A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
(Gaming support cat.)
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Gods work.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen