HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
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Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.