I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn