According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
There are no pants in heaven.
True statement👍😏😁
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??