I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
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I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,