[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
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Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
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[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I want this so bad
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?