Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
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I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
getting old is fun