When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
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I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*