JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
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My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Phonetics
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”