Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
*seductively eats two tums*
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.