Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Strangers have the best candy.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.