Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
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When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new