I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.