I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
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KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I am, perchance
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?