I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
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Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show