When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
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Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
How is it still this week?