Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
that lip filler tho
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.