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Him: Iâd die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
every college guyâs fridge
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, âso you want a salad?â The lady said, âno, a sub without bread.â So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldnât be telling yâall this.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Happy Thanksgiving
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I propose we rename our seasons:
⢠Blizzard
⢠Flood
⢠Oven
⢠Kinda Nice For A Bit
something to keep in mind if youâre considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, âyeah but thatâs only $400 million after taxesâ. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Extremely relatable.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but weâre going to sell the house just in case.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if youâre already married then thatâs still going on.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
a segment like âcelebrities read mean tweetsâ but instead itâs professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class