YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
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friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls