Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
twitter is a journey
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent