My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
the answer was staring at me all along
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption