Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
My wedding will be open casket.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
🙂🙃🥹
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
A friend helps you before you need it
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/