– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
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Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
sry
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.