read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air