So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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My first son he is wonderful
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
🤣🤣🤣
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?