Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
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The pen is writier than the sword.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?