how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
my nickname in college
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*