Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
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Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.