things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried