Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
doing some research
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
#parenting
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.