stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Plant care tips
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
why I oughta
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now