So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
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A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
crying
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name