Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze