[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
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WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
turning my gender off to conserve energy
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I’m not proud
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch