Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
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[shakes fist at other fist]
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…