Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
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[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure