Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
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My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”