TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
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My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
*power walks to the refrigerator*
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.