Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot