Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.