In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.