If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
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I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Do not steal food from the science building!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.