wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.