What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
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Body by cheese-puffs.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My wife gives the best headache.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
This pepper has seen some shit
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Lassie, get help!