“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you