Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
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You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
What the hell is going on?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Brother?
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”