HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs