I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.