yeah but what if it ๐ถ๐ your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesnโt like ๐๐ผ๐
You Might Also Like
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, โSee? This is why I chew the furniture.โ
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
๐ด: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Oh hi lol
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later Iโm like, โGet it off of me!!!โ
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Google search history:
โขGloves keep growing on tree?
โขHow do I get hand in tight gloves?
โขCan gloves piss/bite?
โขWhat is a squirrel?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room iโll be running to in a home invasion
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god