As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
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Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
All excellent questions
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me trying to look natural in photos